John's Hair

John has decided that he wants to wear his hair spiked straight up. He uses hair wax and takes his time in front of the mirror getting it just right. He figured out that he needs to take off his pajama top and put on his shirt before fixing it, otherwise it might get a little messed up.

Exhibit A:

Which, I think, looks remarkably close to Exhibit B:

I am happy that he is doing this. He has gotten a few comments and sideways looks from adults but I am letting that go. John absolutely loves his hair spiked up. He thinks it looks cool and it is just the way he wants it.

As parents we walk a fine line between teaching and guiding our children but also letting them have their own ideas and explore their individuality. I think about this often. In what areas are we meant to parent, to use our life experiences and wisdom to lead our children down a certain path, and where are we meant to let them figure things out on their own? On the one hand, you have very controlling parents who have a right and wrong way for everything and the child is meant only to do what they are told by the parent. On the other hand, you have incredibly permissive parents whose children are really in charge, and they do more acquiescing to the child's demands than anything else. Somewhere in the middle is where the child knows their parents are in charge, but also that their thoughts and feelings are respected and valued. I try to find this middle ground so many times every day. I constantly have to ask myself, do I step in here, or step back?

I think hair is an area where we can step back. If John and Lucy don't care how their hair looks, then I will do it the way I think is best. But if John is coming to me asking to spike up his hair, there's really no reason for me to say no. How does it affect me if he wears his hair a certain way? Am I more concerned about what people might think or say about it, than about the way it makes John feel? He likes it and he's proud of himself. Why should I force him to do it the way I want? We moms can get caught up in the idea that our children, out in public, are a relfection of ourselves and need to look and act a certain way, or people will think we are bad moms. When we start making decisions for our children based on what other people will think of US, it is time to reevaluate our intentions. Do I want our family to be dressed up at Mass so that other people will think we are a put-together family, or because I think it is important to set the Mass apart from other things that we do, and offer that respect to God? Sometimes, it's the former. Do I tell Lucy her clothes must match for school because I don't want other parents at UPS to think I "let her go out like that"? Unfortunately, the answer is yes.

Doing this is a disservice to myself and to the kids. Lucy learns more by choosing her own clothes and getting herself dressed than by putting on the matching outfit I pick in the morning. And, John learns more by standing in front of the mirror and styling his hair the way he wants then by doing it the way I tell him, just because he has to.

This is a lesson I have to teach myself over and over again every day. John's spiked hair is a visible reminder that I need to be constantly working for that balance between control and permissiveness, between having it my way and letting go.